He told me it was “safe” to have sex with him - he’d had a vasectomy and wouldn’t get me pregnant. I went to school the next day, sitting in class like nothing happened. I told my mother only that he had propositioned me, not anything else.
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It took twenty years and much therapy before I could tell her the full story, before I could admit it even to myself. How had this happened? Had he started listening to locker room banter? This man had known me since I was nine - he had two daughters. I pretended I was okay, but I tried to kill myself not long after that. When I was fifteen I was date raped at summer camp by a boy I had a crush on. I said, “No.” I said, “Stop.” I tried pushing him away. Perhaps his ears were too full of locker room banter. The next day I tried to talk to him, to tell him what had happened wasn't okay. He looked at me with a blank face and dead eyes.
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Maybe I shouldn’t have let him hold my hand. But I thought he wanted to be my boyfriend. I ran into that boy at a Christmas party decades later. I started wearing my brother’s clothes-baggy sweatshirts and jeans so big I had to roll down the waistband to keep them up. I didn’t drink alcohol in high school it would have made me feel too vulnerable.īut simply being a woman made me vulnerable. There was nothing I could do to avoid that. If a guy showed interest and seemed safe and we started dating, I pretended to get drunk and pass out, just to see what he might do. Would he put a blanket over me and be kind, would he push me aside in disgust or anger at not getting what he wanted, or would he take the opportunity to go up my shirt or down my pants? I needed to know if I could trust him when no one was looking. I chose well and never had to deal with the latter.
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Some guys don’t listen to locker room banter. When I was twenty, I went running on a bike path along a river in the city where I was a student. There was a park and families came to enjoy the sunset in the evenings.
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The clouds cleared by late afternoon, but when I arrived the park was empty. I had never seen it like this.Īs I ran, I heard footsteps that got louder - two men, running directly behind me. I whirled around to face them but they grabbed at my breasts. I broke off and ran away from them-faster this time, but they kept up. Their legs were longer, they were stronger, and there were two of them.